Is He Or She \"The One\" ? 他 / 她 是你的那一位?_木帛木_新浪博客

来自 : 新浪博客 发布时间：2021-03-24

Recently,a friend of mine told me she bought a popular magazine targetingyounger women that had the headline Is He Really TheOne? She said it was the reason she bought themagazine, rather than the flashy article they had on a new sexposition or the article on how to impress him overThanksgiving.

最近，我的一位朋友告诉我她买了一本关于年轻女性的流行杂志----题目是《他是不是你的那一位》。她说她买这本杂志是喜欢它的书名，而不是因为里面关于性的新发展的浮华的文章或关于如何在感恩节给他留下印象的文章。

Ofcourse, being curious about how this particular magazine might haveanswered the question \"Is He Really The One?\",Iasked her what it said.

当然，由于对这本杂志如何回答“他是不是你的那一位”这一问题感到很好奇，我便问了这位朋友。

If iremember correctly, the article went into some detail aboutseperating darks from whites (laundry) together, something aboutcooking together, having incredible feelings when you kiss, andthen closed with a comment that he\'ll hold your hair back when youget sick. Hmm...really?

如果我没几错的话，文章提到了一些细节，如：一起把要洗的衣服分类，一起煮饭，接吻时有难以置信的感觉。最后，文章得出这样一个结论：当你生病时，他会照顾你。恩......真的吗？

I thinkhuman decency requires us to look after someone who is sick --- butis holding hair back when someone vomits, doing laundry, andenjouying cooking together REALLY signs we found \"theone?\"

我认为人类的正常行为准则要求我们照顾生病的人----但照顾病人、洗衣服、一起煮饭就真的表明我们找\"那一位“了吗？

I\'ve hadseveral long-term relationships where we totally enjoyed cookingtogether, doing laundry together, travelling on trips together andspending countless hours doing whatever we\'d dream up that day forfun. We also talked shop together abot careers together, too. Yet,I\'m not with any of those people today. And I\'ve seen many otherpeople get divorced who had all that stuff going on. So, whatgives?

我曾经谈过几次时间比较长的恋爱，我们非常喜欢一起煮饭、一起洗衣服、一起旅游、花大量的时间做我们觉得好玩的事。我们还一起讨论逛街、谈论事业。但是，现在我和她们都分手了。我还见过很多离婚的夫妇，他们都一起做过那些事情。所以，这有用吗？

Thedifferences here is the difference between EGO and SPIRIT. Our EGOlooks at the hot company the guy runs or his stock options thatjust vested or his flshly car or nice muscles. Our EGO looks at hergreat body and how all the other guys say how hot sheis. But ourSPIRIT loooks for something else.

这正是“自我”和“灵魂”的区别。我们的“自我”注重的是他经营良好的公司、他的股票、豪华的汽车或健壮的肌肉。我们的“自我”注重的是她美好的身材和别人是如何称赞她的火辣。然而，我们的“灵魂”注重的又是其它的东西。

OurSPIRIT (higher-self) often dosen\'t pick the person we fall in lovewith. Although we frequently see people fall in love at first sightin a movie or on television, the actual reality of thoserelationships being the ones that last are pretty rare.

我们的“灵魂”（更高层次的自我）所选择的对象与我们相爱的对象往往不同。虽然一见钟情经常在电影或电视中出现，但那种找到“那一位”的感觉能维持下去的，在显示生活中还是少见。

How Can You Tell A Soulmate From An Egomate?

如何区别“灵魂”伴侣和“自我”伴侣？

1. Do you show each other equal levels ofrespect?

双方是否彼此尊重？

If either of you are putting the other on anunrealistic level it is likely that the relationship may eventuallytopple from its foundation. Also, with unequal respect, love willnot be balanced, either.

假如双方都把对方放在一个不现实的层面上，那这段关系很可能最终会结束。而且，如果没有平等地尊重对方，爱就会失去平衡。

2. Do you have similar or at least compatiblegoals?

你们有没有相似或起码是兼容的目标？

When my ex-wife and I divorced I knew it wasbecause we had incompatible goals. Once we had graduated fromcollee we were on paths that split wide and far apart. It wasn\'tthat she didn\'t love me, because she did. She had a goal to createa nice little two-kid family and live to see her kids graduate andget married. I, on the other hand, had other aspirations thatdidn\'t include kids for quite some time. Compatible dreams,visions, and goals are the most important things to look for inrelationships, because they are the foot of issues that couldeventually derail the relationship train if they are incompatible.See the article on The Purpose Questionfor more help with compatible life paths.

我的前妻和我离婚，我知道是因为我们的目标不兼容。从学校毕业的那一刻开始，我们的分歧便越来越大。不是因为她不爱我，而是因为她很爱我。她想要一个家，生个两个孩子，然后看着他们毕业、结婚。而在我的目标里，暂时还不想有小孩。恋爱中最重要的事就是寻找相互兼容的梦想、憧憬、视野和目标。因为，如果不兼容的话，它们最终会使这段关系偏离轨道。《目标问题》这本书里的文章可帮你建立相互兼容的生活道路。

3. Are you comfortable with eachother?

和对方在一起时，你感觉舒服吗？

In a book I read a few years ago calledToo Good to Leave, Too Bad toStay,by Mira Kirshenbaum, many ofthe questions the author asks about a suapect relationship arequestions about whether you like the other person\'s looks, smell,taste, etc. The idea being that if your partnergrosses you outyou\'re headed for trouble. This is also a bit of an Ego play,though, so I think it is important to pay attention to where thosefeelings are coming from.

几年前，我读过一本书名叫《太好而不能离开；太坏而不能留下》，作者是米若柯申保穆。在书里作者问了许多关于不稳定的恋爱关系的问题，其实这写问题就是关于你是否喜欢对方的容貌、味道、品位等。这本书的观点就是假如你的伴侣令你难以忍受，那你的麻烦就来了。这也是“自我”的一种反映，所以我认为应该注意这些感觉产生的根源。

4. Are your spiritual beliefscompatible?

你们的精神信仰兼容吗？

How do you answer spiritual questions? Do youbelieve in God? What is God to you? Do you beliee in prayer? Gowoften? What do you think of Heaven od Hell or other spiritualconcepts of eternity? Do you believe we have freedom of choice oris our life pre-determined? To what exten? How do you feel aboutspirits or angels? These are all questions that can help youdetermine your spiritual beliefs. Notice: I did not say RELIGIOUSbeliefs. Many people make a happy couple even though they have twoseperate religions. Yes, this may present challenges when youdecide which religion to raise children in (many decide both,letting the child decide), but religion is not a true barometer ofrelationship success of failure. Spiritual beliefs, on the otherhand, are highly important.

你如何回答宗教问题？你相信上帝吗？上帝对你来说以为着什么？你相信祷告吗？多久祷告一次？你是如何看待天堂或地狱或其它关于来世的精神概念的？你认为我们能自由选择生活还是我们的生活是注定的呢？相信到哪种程度？你如何看待灵魂或天使？这些问题可以帮助你明确你的精神信仰。注意：我说的不是宗教信仰。许多夫妇宗教信仰不同，却仍然可以生活得很快乐。或许，这时你会觉得很难决定小孩的宗教信仰（很多夫妇选择让孩子接触两种宗教，然后让他们自己选择。），但宗教决不是一段恋爱关系成功与否的气压计。相反，精神信仰更重要。

5. Are you infatuated or do you have your feet onthe ground with your lover?

你对你的爱人很着迷还是很理智的对待你们的关系？

If you think they are practically perfect you maybe overlooking things due to feelings of infatuation. The biggestchallenge I encounter is that when I am infatuated, I am oftenblind to that type of logic and won\'t hear anything of it.Sometimes infatuation has to run its course as we need to learncertain lessons. However, if we can aviod the lesson and save bothpeople in the relationship from getting a broken heart, then allthe better, right?

如果你认为你们很完美，那么你对爱人的迷恋使你忽视了某些东西。我遇到的最大问题便是：当我陷进去时，我对那种逻辑完全视而不见，充耳不闻。有时，我们只能让迷恋自然发展，因为我们需要吸取教训。然而，如果我们能避免那些教训，不让恋爱双方心碎，那不是更好吗？

6. Do people you know think you;re a goodcouple?

认识你们的人认为你们是很般配的一对吗？

Ok, sounds stupid, but I\'veseen people whose potential mother-in-law couldn\'t stand them ( oreven speak to them ). Dose that sound like a supportiveenvironment? OUr support system needs to be supportive of arelationship. That is why we have our support people ( family,friends ) attend weddings in the first place: to be witnesses andagree to support the marriage in good times and not-so-goodtimes.

是的，这听起来有点愚蠢，但我就曾见过这样的人，他们未来的岳父母或婆婆不能容忍他们（甚至不跟他们讲话）。这听起来像是得到支持的环境吗？在我们的证明制度里，一段感情需要有人证明。所以，我们需要我们的佳人、朋友作为见证人出席婚礼，并同意无论何时都会支持我们的婚姻。

7. Do you feel safe, empowered, and valued by yourpartner?

你的伴侣能带给你安全感、力量和自我价值吗？

If you cannot fairly answer \"yes\" to being safe,empowered and valued, you\'re likely missing a keyelement.

如果你不能清楚地回答“是”的话，那你们很可能缺少一个很关键的因素。

8. If your lover has lots of side Ego-perks, suchas a kick-butt job, a hot car, high-brow social status, or amodel\'s body, how would you feel if the particular \"perk\" wentaway?

你的爱人有很多“自身”优点，例如高薪的工作、高级的轿车、很高的社会地位或有模特的身材。如果这些优点都没有了，你的感觉如何呢？

If they gained weight, would it matter? If the stock market crashedDemise of the Dot-Bombs and those dot-com options they hold whichwere worth millions suddenly are now worth less than toilet paper,would you still love your partner?

如果他/她边肥了，你介意吗？如果股市猛跌导致了网络公司的破产，他/ 她拥有的价值数百万美元的网站股权突然之间一文不值了，你还会爱他/她吗？

9. How do you get along with theirfriends?

你同他/她的朋友相处得怎样？

Again, this is a support system issue. If you think their friendsare pigs, jerks, sleazes, or users, it is highly unlikely you\'regoing to fit into their scene.

这又是一个证明制度的问题。如果你认为他/她的朋友贪婪、性情古怪、卑劣或经常利用别人，那你很可能不会融入他们的圈子。

10. Dose your partner assume responsibility forprevious relationship failures (learningexperiences)?

你的伴侣会不会为前一段失败的感情承担责任（吸取教训）？

If they don\'t, they\'re going to learn again withyou. Blame and resentment are not fun to hold onto. If one or bothpartners has not yet learned to hear blame and resentment indescriptions of past loves, you\'re highly likely headed for pain inyour new relationship.

如果答案是“否”，那你们的关系将重蹈覆辙。责备他人或心怀怨恨并不是好事。如果一方或双方都没有学会忘记过去的委屈，那他/她很可能会委屈你。如果他/她向你抱怨过去的爱人，那你的新感情很可能充满痛苦。

11. What dose your internal spirit guide, yourhigher self, say bout the match?

你内心的精神向导和更高的自我如何看待你的恋人？

When you get quiet and meditate about them, howdo you feel?

当你静下新来考虑这些时，你感觉如何？

12, Last, is the timingright?

最后，时机成熟吗？

If they\'re in a relationship now, this may not bethe best timing. Have they healed from past relationships? Are theyable to love their own self, first? These things are important toresolve PRIOR to getting into a new relationship, otherwise, youmay be resolving them together, which can be quite a bit moredifficult than our own. Timing is key to when we meet, in terms ofdeveloping all the other characteristics we\'vediscussed.

如果他们仍藕断丝连，那现在就不是最好的时间。他们从过去的感情中走出来了吗？首先，他们能起他们自己吗？在开始一段新恋情之前，必须先解决这些问题；否则，你就会把它们混在一起，那就会比单独解决困难难得多。结合我们讨论过的其它方面的发展，对于我们何时见面，时机是关键。